Help
With Your Rule
The Gift of Freedom - For Ourselves and Our Children
"God never says unqualifiedly to a human being, "You shall not exercise your faculty of choice between the way of life and the way of death; you shall walk in the way in which I know to be the best for you." But on the contrary, God says to every one (Duet. 30:15): "See, I have set before you this day life and good, and death and evil," - for thy choice....
"The representative of God clothed with power, as he stood before the people, did not say, "You shall choose God's service now; and if you deliberately refuse to do so, God will break your will so that you do do it"; but He said, "If it seem evil unto you to serve the Lord, choose this day whom ye will serve" (Josh. 24:15)"
H. Clay Trumbull, "Hints on Child Training", Oregon, Great Expectations Book Co., date unknown, p 20-21.
posted by Holly at 1:23 PM
5 Comments:
I was studying this book last night, and the wisdom it contains never ceases to amaze me. Here, he was discussing the necessity of respecting the 'free will' of our children.
The Catholic Catechism states that parents "must regard their children as 'children of God' and respect them as 'human persons' (CCC #2222). This means respecting their free will.
When I was a young mother, I remember the conflict I felt inside me about my children - since I was responsible for their upbringing, I felt in quite a bind when they disobeyed. Was I to force them to listen? How could I just let them disobey and do what was wrong? I saw no balanced, middle line between the two extremes.
But there is a middle line - one that still accords to our children the respect they deserve. First, we can love them - truly love them, and this in itself makes us 'followable'.
But being weak humans, and not always so loveable, we can still do what God does - give our children true choices, but make sure they have a very informed idea about what those choices mean.
Today, my littlest son did not want to do his school work. I was ready and available, but he refused my help. I explained what this would mean - that he was not to do anything else, like computer or watch 'Rupert' or have play time until it was done. Nonetheless, he chose to goof around with his erasers and his markers.
Suddenly though, he realized lunch was almost ready, and he started calling for my help. I couldn't come, as I had moved on to my next work. I told him he would have to wait until this afternoon, but that I could spare some time to help him then.
Over lunch, I could see him pondering all of this in a disturbed fashion. He was aware he'd have a lot to do this afternoon. He also knows I control the remote and the computer.
I told him - "Look. What's done is done. Now for today, I can still help you get your work done this afternoon. It may take longer than usual, but hey, it was your choice. It's also not the end of the world!"
" But perhaps tomorrow, you might want to listen to Mummy's scheduling advice, since I'm better at it than you are... You don't want to lose all that free time tomorrow afternoon when your friend visits..."
My son is just about to come down to do his schoolwork now. I'm sure I'll be dealing with a little disgruntled attitude in just a few moments! But it will be a powerful lesson for tomorrow and the next day that obedience, and freely choosing it, is the best way to go.
And by attending to these things when our children are young, in these non-threatening situations, we will have them reasoning and choosing well when they reach the older stages...
(BTW, as I sign off, he just came to the classroom, sat down of his own free will with his books, and said "Mummy! I need your help!" in a happy little voice! Hmmm... miracles! :-)
The same holds true for us Moms. We know what we ought to be doing, basically - this is what a Mother's Rule is all about. But sometimes it is a struggle to do it. We too need to exercise our free will and choose the good - and we can do for ourselves what God does too: ponder the consequences of our actions before we give in to fancy and whim.
What will it mean for me today to not follow my rule or any rule at all? What will be the state of my home by evening? the state of my children by tomorrow? the state of my person next week or in eternity?
The best way to influence the will is to fill the intellect with truth, which is why St Teresa of Avila was so adamant (sp?) about the need of reading good books!
By keeping Christian truth in our minds, it fills our spirits with desire and our wills try to act on it. This only shows the necessity of spiritual reading and study. Truth in the intellect enflames the will to do all that God asks of us in our daily lives.
Truth and prayer,of course...
An update on my youngest son - consequences do have their effect.
He came down, waited patiently for me to sign off the website, opened his book, remained on task for an hour and a half (at only 7 years old) and completed his schoolwork, all without complaint, and felt rather good about himself when he was finished too!
This quote speaks to me about the importance of respecting our children's needs, thoughts, and feelings. Sometimes I want my children to comply because it is my duty to teach them obediance, and because I know it is what is best for them at the moment. But there are times when I reflect on a situation and see that I was demanding obediance from a child for other reasons, often because I wanted my day/time/whatever to go a certain way. My motivation was not showing respect for my child. I also can get so caught up in the flow of my day that sometimes I struggle with feeling like my kids are in some way interfering with the plan. At those times, I need to humble myself and meet their needs. Often the child who is clinging to my leg or whining or calling my name endlessly are in need of my attention, undivided - for a moment and a reaffirmation of my love for them and their importance as a person. Some of the most rewarding moments in my vocation as a mom come when I stop doing and learn to BE with my children - to get down on their level and listen to their thoughts, to enjoy their creation or just to silently snuggle. They are people with needs and our Lord has chosen to meet many of those needs through my hands. I am humbled.
Jen, I couldn't agree with you more - that we need to BE with our children - body, mind, heart - not so concerned about other things that we trample their persons as we rush to something else...
When we are truly present to them, there is deep relationship, a mutual exchange of heart love, and this is where I think parents do their most important 'work'.
The reality is, that as a Mom, I believe my first job is to love them heart to heart, and secondly to 'teach' and 'inspire' them - urge them - to follow Jesus, do good, avoid evil, become all that God intended them to be. That's my first 'attack plan' re raising children.
Given those days when the consequences of original sin come into play, I found this quote a profound way to still respect a child's free will when normal loving & inspiration isn't what the disgruntled child is looking for...
And as the author also says in his book - it is better that parents don't make so many 'commands' in the first place - to watch what we ask out children, as you pointed out, knowing why we're asking it - for our own convenience? for our own ease? or for their own good?
Post a Comment
<< Home