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Chastity in Marriage
Dear Holly,
I was reading one of your earlier posts about discerning the right time for pregnancy in cooperation with God's intent. Could you comment on the thought that if God isn't calling a couple to have more children at this time, He's not just calling them to "abstain", but to increase their self-will by practicing the virtue of chastity?
Labels: 3rd P Partner
posted by Holly at 1:45 PM
5 Comments:
Chastity is not synonomous with celibacy, and chastity in marriage is not about abstinence.
Detriech von Hildebrand, in his book "In Defense of Purity" mentions the three elements of holy marital relations - the physical, the personal and the spiritual. He notes that purity in marriage means to be focusing on the 'human' element of the sex act - the person.
Thus, chastity in marriage means that every time the spouses make love, they are both 'consciously' and 'willfully' focusing on the personal interchange of tender affection for the other, and the sincere gift of the mystery of oneself to the other. In other words, sex is meant to be a genuine acceptance of my spouse's person, acted out in the physical act, and a complete giving of myself to him as a gift of my person.
Now our society focuses on physical gratification alone as the reason to have sex. Von Hildebrand points out that sexual relations engaged in for this reason alone is, in fact, 'below bestial' - that even in nature, animals mate instinctually for the preservation of their species - not for the pleasure of it. To have sex solely for the physical pleasure is to degrade sex, and can be discerned by the uncomfortableness which occurs after the sex act is completed.
So too, he mentions sex can not be used in a utilitarian way either - where couples use each other's bodies for another purpose. This includes having sex 'just to have babies'. We can not 'use' our spouse to attain another 'end'.
Here, we notice that chastity in marriage depends upon our 'intent'. The acts may not change - it is the intent of the will which determines the holiness of the act. All passions are to be placed under the control of reason and will. To engage in unbridled satiation of our sexual instincts, even if done within the marriage context, is not 'chastity'.
Now, in relation to periodic abstinence due to avoiding a pregnancy, there is a benefit. Being the humans that we are, and influenced by original sin, the time spent abstaining is a good way to subject our more sensual desires to reason and will. It is a practice in self-control, which is necessary in marriage as well. It thus aids in the next lovemaking times by helping us develop the conscious control of passion.
Due to the scientific discoveries of NFP, realizing that we can now both avoid and acheive pregnancy through knowledge of our cycles, one priest ( a marriage specialist) told me NFP can be used all the time - so that we cooperate with God , not only to postpone but to acheive pregnancy; and as a way to train ourselves, to bring about the self-mastery necessary to focus on the deeper human realities of lovemaking when we do engage. Neat, eh?
One further reflection on chastity in marriage - the Catholic Catechism notes that chastity in marriage grows with personal holiness, and that there is an integral connection between the two. Do you see the connection?
The closer we come to internal wholeness and the right ordering of our person, the closer we come to the authority of reason and will over our passions, and God's efective changing of our hearts.
As such, when we grow in holiness, it is easier to approach lovemaking with our husbands in the proper, 'personal' way God intends, and the sway of concupiscience in the marital bed diminishes. Cool stuff!
We're not Catholics but Sikhs and my hubby of 11 years of marriage also a sacrament in Sikhism Anand Karaj/ was telling me the same thing but the only way is to go to India without me for 3 months a year and the rest of the year - 9 months, he's mine. We have 10 kids!! I see though the point in before marriage and not committing adultry - commandment #3 for us #7 for you God Bless.....Mr&Mrs. "Bikki" Singh & "Indi" Kaur Sidhu OOXX :-)
I'm trying to find the "earlier post" the original Mom was referring to-I'm very interested in reading what was said here-I can't seem to find it. If you have any direction, it would be uch appreciated!
God Bless.
I think the post was Morning Sickness and A Mother's Rule in January 2005
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