Help
With Your Rule
A Tithing Question
Dear Holly
My husband and I disagree on tithing. My husband thinks we should only tithe a very small amount to our church until we get our other finances and debts under control, and when this happens, we can give more. I, on the other hand, think we should tithe the full percentage (since five times that amount is spend on hubby's hobbies anyway!), and then trust in God to get us through the rough spots. Now, I just started a new job - should I do a complete tithe on my new income or should I consult husband first?
Labels: 1st P Prayer, 3rd P Partner
posted by Holly at 9:12 AM
4 Comments:
Good question - I look forward to hearing others comments as well!
You and I seem to share similar views on the necessity of full tithing, and if it was just you alone, I would say "Give your full tithe".
But in a marriage, the couple is called to work together, and your question seems to reflect a division of views, of philosophies between your husband and yourself. I always attack these with serious prayer and ongoing discussion, having patience with my own frustration as well as my spouse until such a time as we can act in mutual agreement.
I would always consult my husband about such matters, and come to a temporary working agreement which could be re-assessed, say, six months down the road. Meanwhile, God knows your intent and desire, and He will accord the merit to it.
A little while ago, Holly and I came to the realization that our finances, debts, tithing, etc, needed to be understood in terms of stewardship, not ownership. We are caretakers of God's providence, not owners of our house, car, or children. We have to exercise the best stewardship we can in a spirit of generousity to God, including responsible prioritizing of our financial obligations. We have come to realize that unnecessary debt is a form of enslavement and so tithing and debt reduction/elimination have become our priorities over many other legitimate but secondary things.
When I read the posting, my first thought was that you have to pray together about the issue first. That brings unity and brings God into the discussion. Acting unilaterally won't do that. You are both willing to tithe. Let God lead you to how much that is at this point. If at some point in tithing the issue comes up over enough money to pay the mortgage or car payment after tithing, turn to God and ask Him, "So, are you going to pay for your house and car?" Just be braced for the results. He's good at paying his bills, but he sometimes asks pointed questions like, "How come you spent my car money on another television?" Embarassing ...
I have several friends who have dealt with this as newly married couples. Their husbands had never imagined themselves giving 10% of their income, and thought this notion outlandish! It IS quite a shock to see that annual figure if you aren't used to it! Here are a few options we came up with.
1. Sometimes, husbands feel financially stressed because of irresponsibility with the wife's spending (and you don't even know it). Is this the case? Re-assess how you're using your family's resources. Ask the question...Do you think we can't give 10% because we/I spend too much money?
2. Figure out what 10% of your annual net income is, subtract the amount you are already tithing and then offer to make financial sacrifices totaling that amount. They must be sacrifices that financially effect only you, not your husband, as he needs to see how serious you are about this and realize that you are so willing to make the sacrifice. One friend, was working also...she cut out gourmet coffee, Born shoes, unecessary scrapbooking stuff, cable (that only she watched), department store cosmetics, etc...you get the idea. For others it may mean making your own bread, going to Sam's Club for milk (we save $300/year on this), buying clothes at thrift stores, etc. Make a list, present it to husband, and ask if it is OK with him if you gave that money to the church and charities instead. Pray like crazy that he will have a change of heart, and re-assess in 6 months or a year. He will probably be very moved and realize how serious you are about this.
3. If finding "extras" are not an option, and you are already stretched financially, ask him if he would tithe more for, say, 4 months (ie: you are tithing 2%, then ask to increase to 5%, as it should be somewhat significant) and ask him if he will try to pay attention to the blessings that come from giving to God. Not that that is WHY we tithe, but there are defintely graces attached to it and God fully blesses us....it may help increase his faith and reassure him you are doing the right thing. "Would you be willing to increase our tithe to 5% of our net income, which would be $0.00 per week just for the next 4 months? And, if you don't feel like we are truly being blessed and rewarded for our efforts and sacrifice, then we can go back to 2%)." Then PRAY LIKE CRAZY during those 4 months. Over the next 2-5 years, he'll feel more confident and blessed and eventually you'll be giving what you think you should!
4. Talk about what has happened to others when they "took the plunge". Use Holly's example in the book. Maybe highlight the couple pages where she talks about it and see if he'll read it. Many people who have never tithed before don't understand that God can actually HELP with finances!
Another suggestion.....could it be that your husband is perhaps opposed to giving "so much" money to the church/your particular parish (as opposed to other charity organizations)? The ideal is to tithe 5% to your parish and 5% to other charity organizations of your choice. Perhaps your husband has a problem with how your church spends money and allocates funds. If this is the case, one solution is to make sure that your money is being used to fix the leaky roof, instead of a new LED board for the school. A couple I know offered to support the organist/choir that we liked (the one WITHOUT the tamborines and bongo drums)when they realized their pastor wasn't very prudent with finances. Another solution is to ask your husband if there are other charity organizations that he would rather support (for the time being). My husband has felt a strong call to donate money to paralyzed veterans the past couple of years, and we have adjusted our giving accordingly. Other years, it's been St. Vincent de Paul when the economy in our area was down. Maybe AT THIS POINT, your husband is just not ready to give "that much" to the parish itself.....but there are many other great Catholic (and non-catholic) charities out there that would give him a good starting point. And, from there....who knows what could happen! My husband was literally putting quarters in the basket when we got married....now this year, he has suggested giving an extra 1% to pro-life causes, which would put us ABOVE the 10%!!!! And, only in 6 years! Now, I'm the one who is saying, "You're kidding right? We can't afford that!"
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