Help
With Your Rule
Dealing with Interruptions
Dear Holly
What do I do when I have friends or family just 'pop over' ? Or with interrupting phone calls which are messing up my practical rule? How do I know what is important enough to depart from the current activity?
Labels: About a Rule of Life
posted by Holly at 8:14 AM
5 Comments:
This is how I handle these things. When the other person doesn't realize they are messing up my rule (like when the oilman brings me my bill, or the dentist office arranges an appointment), then I attend to the interruption. But if the interruption comes from a friend or family member or even neighbor, I would deal with it differently, because these people are constants in my life.
If I was working at an office, my friends would not expect me to entertain them during office hours. So too, when I am homeschooling or doing set housework, then this is my job and it's really not appropriate to be chatting on the phone. With familiar people, I tell them - "Look, I'm schooling right now, but why don't I get back to you this evening after supper when I have a moment?"
Normally, people will pick up that "Hey, Holly has to work!" and re-assess their understanding of the at-home-Mom's daily role. But if they don't ,and visits and phone calls persist, I usually have to come out and tell them directly - "I can't spend my afternoons entertaining as I have work to do. Perhaps we can arrange for a regular evening or time when we can get together". Here, it's important to remember that we need to make conscious room in our rules for our friends and family, in an appropriate way and time.
I handle distractions in a slightly different way. In developing my rule, I spent a lot of time reflecting on my vocation as woman and mother. One thing that really stood out from my study and reflection is the call of woman to be life giving, not only physically but also spiritually. I try to keep in mind that my rule calls me to strive to become the person I am called to be so I have "the cultivation of hospitality" as a primary goal of my rule. I also try to instill this in my children. On a practical level, I try to assess the other persons need before deciding how to deal with the interuption. If someone calls or shows up unannounced at my door, I drop what I am doing and try to greet them as Christ. In some cases, I then decide that my primary duty is to return to my rule at which time I gently inform my caller/visitor that I did have things planned for the afternoon and perhaps we can schedule a visit soon. In other cases I feel that the caller/visitor is in need and I am to be the hands/feet/ears/heart of Christ to them at that moment. So the coffee pot goes on and that person becomes my duty of the moment. In these cases it is crutial to remember that it cannot be a selfish choice "I would rather sit and be lazy" but always a generous sacrafice placing myself after the person at my door for the duration of the visit. It is also important to remember not to neglect those essential duties that were displaced by the visit/call such as prayer. I feel that as women we are called to bring life to our famillies and to our Church. Truly holy woman are needed as we strive to create a culture of life in our world.
Dear Jen
I found your comments here truly inspiring, especially about reflecting upon the other person's need first before determining what is the 'duty of the moment'. I am going to ponder this some more. Thanks for responding!
This issue is a tremendous struggle for me and maybe part of the problem is that I have not worked hard enough to develop a rule for myself. It seems that one of my crosses I have been graced with is that any advance in routine or peace is on a very consistent basis interrupted by neighbor visits, extended family expectations, illnesses, etc. You see once I focus on a rule, things come up that rarely allow me to practice the rule even for one week-and I have to admit, if I am being completely honest-depending on what the interruption is, sometimes I welcome it and sometimes I loathe it.
That said, I see where I need prayer and work here to overcome this-but, I do have one issue I could use some advice on. I have a neighbor who is a mother of a young child-pregnant with second one-she works on and off, but from what I can tell, more out of desire than necessity. So, she will be home for afternoons while not having a job and will still place her child in daycare-for the freedom.-ok, so I have an immediate bias.
Let me say, that I can read clearly her search for that something she is missing in her life-who we all know as God-but she is not religious-does not wish to go there at all. Where I run into trouble is that she comes knocking at my door OFTEN!-without her child-sometimes with, but pays her little mind and tends to want me to do the same, unconsciously, I think-she just wants my focus on her visit...wants to chat for hours about what interests her. She is a kind person and I see her search for God and sense her lonlieness, but, I have tried the drop everything and sort of give those few hours to her in hopes it will help-I have tried the, "It's just not a good time right now, maybe another"-I have tried the mean-not answer the door/phone if I'm having a difficult day... None of these things seems to curb her appetite for these visits nor click with her that I view my vocation seriously and would appreciate not being interrupted so much.
She even came in my unlocked front door unannounced, called for me, I didn't answer because I was upstairs trying to get my son to sleep and couldn't yell back...she came upstairs, saw what I was doing, sat right down and proceeded to chat!-we are not this kind of friend to eachother-yes, I know I should have asked her to leave-easier said than done, I thought it was obvious she shouldn't be there! Coming in my front door and coming in my bedroom???-I can't fathom ever doing that!
But she seems to take any attempt to not visit (even when my kids are sick!-which is often) very personally.
Again, I see her search-I feel God wants me to do something-but it seems any attempt just ends up as completely difficult for me and my sense of order and peace-and I think sometimes I can hide it and sometimes she can tell and just doesn't really understand or care.
What to do barring moving out of the neighborhood? I don't want to avoid God's will, but I'm not able to see what He wants from me here. I know that I must be part of the problem since I have tried different approaches and none seem to work.
Maybe a frank, "this is how I view my vocation conversation?"-but honestly, I don't know how to do that well without seeming like I am criticizing her lifestyle. I'm very confused over this and it comes back constantly-I have honestly pondered moving sometimes.
Sorry to be so long! Thank you and God Bless.
My thoughts. A priest once told me that people cross natural boundary lines because we permit them to cross the boundary line. In reality, I doubt that your neighbour would ever dare pull such a thing upon your husband. But she is comfortable doing it to you.
For me, I think that you have assessed that there is not a real 'need' in relation to hours upon hours of mundane visits. I do not personally think these help her. Nor do I think it is doing anything for your vocation. I think you have sufficient reason to be very firm about this.
Now, given that honesty is the best policy - I would figure that I have to be honest. I would have to arrange for my neighbour to come - invited - and tell her there is something really bothering you. That you simply cannot spend all this time visiting - that you have work to do, but at the same time, you don't want to never see her as you enjoy your time with her,. Then, ask her if it is possible to set a specific time when you two CAN meet up - say right after supper a couple of times a week - and YOU will visit HER... and bring some muffins... :-)
Now, while I know this is a very uncomfortable thing to do, it has happened to me that there are times when this level of honesty is necessary.
It might also be something you could ask your husband about - perhaps he has his own ideas. I know that when I have had particularly pushy people calling me, I have had Philip deal with them and the pushiness has stopped. I would say that if a gentle honest conversation doesn't change things, your husband's intervention would.
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